allmytime

:D

Wed, 04 Jan 2006 16:31:00 +0000

A mother took her little boy to church. While in church the little boy said, "Mommy, I have to pee."

The mother said to the little boy, "It's not appropriate to say the word 'pee' in church.

So, from now on whenever you have to 'pee' just tell me that you have to 'whisper.'"

The following Sunday, the little boy went to church with his father and during the service said to his father, "Daddy, I have to whisper."

The father looked at him and said, "Okay, why don't you whisper in my ear."

Out of the mouths of .... babes?

Wed, 01 Jun 2005 20:58:00 +0000

I'm sure any physician could relate similar stories. A friend told me these two about a couple of new elderly patients he'd seen. He asked the first woman about her family and she said she'd had 7 children. "Seven!" he said, "How could anyone so small have that many children?" "Oh," she said, "I think I was asleep most of the time."

Another patient, this one 88-years-old, spry and witty. When he asked about her family, she said she'd had 14 children. "Fourteen!" He said, "Why would anyone have 14 children?" She replied, "We just liked to fuck."

Kids Talk to God - Part 2

Wed, 01 Jun 2005 20:57:00 +0000

11. Dear God,
did you mean for giraffes
to look like that or was it an accident?
Norma

12. Dear God,
in bible times,
did they really talk that fancy?
Jennifer

13. Dear God,
how come you did all those miracles
in the old days and don't do any now?
Billy

14. Dear God,
please send Dennis Clark
to a different summer camp this year.
Peter

15. Dear God,
maybe Cain and Abel
would not kill each other so much
if they each had their own rooms.
It works out OK with me and my brother.
Larry

16. Dear God,
I keep waiting for spring,
but it never did come yet.
What's up? Don't forget.
Mark

17. Dear God,
my brother told me about
how you are born
but it just doesn't sound right.
What do you say?
Marsha

18. Dear God,
if you watch in Church on Sunday
I will show you my new shoes.
Barbara

19. Dear God,
is Reverend Coe a friend of yours,
or do you just know him through the business?
Donny

20. Dear God,
I do not think anybody
could be a better God than you.
Well, I just want you to know that.
I am not just saying that because
you are already God.
Charles

21. Dear God,
it is great the way you always
get the stars in the right place.
Why can't you do that with the moon?
Jeff

22. Dear God,
I am doing the best I can.
Really !!!!
Frank
And, saving the best for last .

23. Dear God,
I didn't think orange went with purple
until I saw the sunset
you made on Tuesday night.
That was really cool.
Thomas

Kids Talk to God - Part 1

Wed, 01 Jun 2005 20:56:00 +0000

1. Dear God,
please put another holiday
between Christmas and Easter.
There is nothing good in there now.
Amanda

2. Dear God,
Thank you for the baby brother
but what I asked for was a puppy.
I never asked for anything before.
You can look it up.
Joyce

3. Dear Mr.
God, I wish you would not make it so easy
for people to come apart
I had to have 3 stitches and a shot.
Janet

4. God,
I read the bible.
What does beget mean?
Nobody will tell me.
Love Alison

5. Dear God,
how did you know you were God?
Who told you?
Charlene

6. Dear God,
is it true my father
won't get in Heaven
if he uses his golf words in the house?
Anita

7. Dear God,
I bet it's very hard for you
to love all of everybody in the whole world.
There are only 4 people in our family
and I can never do it.
Nancy

8. Dear God,
I like the story about Noah
the best of all of them.
You really made up some good ones.
I like walking on water, too.
Glenn

9. Dear God,
my Grandpa says you were around
when he was a little boy.
How far back do you go?
Love, Dennis

10. Dear God,
do you draw the lines around the countries?
If you don't, who does?
Nathan

Prince Charles Meets Bush

Wed, 01 Jun 2005 20:54:00 +0000

...

Chilling Out

Wed, 01 Jun 2005 20:50:00 +0000

Chilling...

These are actual police officer quotes collected from numerous people stopped for moving traffic violations.

Mon, 18 Apr 2005 22:14:00 +0000

"If you run, you'll only go to jail tired."

"The handcuffs are tight because they're new. They'll stretch out after you wear them awhile."

"So, you don't know how fast you were going. I guess that means I can write anything I want on the ticket, huh?"

"The answer to this last question will determine whether you are drunk or not. Was Mickey Mouse a cat or dog?"

"No sir, we don't have quotas anymore. We used to have quotas, but now we're allowed to write as many tickets as we want."

"Warning! You want a warning? Okay, I'm warning you not to do that again or I'll give you another ticket."

"Life's tough, it's tougher if you're stupid."

"In God we trust, all others are suspects."

DNA Tests

Tue, 29 Mar 2005 14:41:00 +0000

DNA Tests

Lawyer: I have some good news and some bad news.
Client: Well, give me the bad news first.
Lawyer: The bad news is that the DNA tests showed that it was your blood they found all over the crime scene
Client: Oh no! I'm ruined! What's the good news?
Lawyer: The good news is your cholesterol is down to 130!

Heheheh

Sat, 19 Mar 2005 15:20:00 +0000

John invited his mother over for dinner. During the meal, his mother couldn't help noticing how beautiful John's roommate was. She had long been suspicious of a relationship between John and his roommate and this only made her more curious. Over the course of the evening, while watching the two interact, she started to wonder if there was more between John and the roommate than met the eye.
Reading his mom's thoughts, John volunteered, "I know what you must be thinking, but I assure you, Julie and I are just roommates." About a week later, Julie came to John and said, "Ever since your mother came to dinner, I've been unable to find the beautiful silver gravy ladle. "You don't suppose she took it, do you?" Julie said, "Well, I doubt it, but I'll write her a letter just to be sure."
So he sat down and wrote: "Dear Mother, I'm not saying you 'did' take a gravy ladle from my house, and I'm not saying you 'did not' take a gravy ladle. But the fact remains that one has been missing ever since you were here for dinner."
Several days later, John received a letter from his mother which read: "Dear Son, I'm not saying that you 'do' sleep with Julie, and I'm not saying that you 'do not' sleep with Julie. But the fact remains that if she was sleeping in her own bed, she would have found the gravy ladle by now. Love, Mom"

Blond in the Library...

Thu, 10 Mar 2005 17:33:00 +0000

Once a blonde went to the library to get a book. A few days later, she returns and says to librarian at the counter, "This book was very boring. It had too many characters and too many numbers, so i would like to return it."
The librarian says to the other librarian, "So here is the person who took our phone book!"

Little Johnny

Fri, 04 Mar 2005 13:19:00 +0000

Little Johnny was sitting on the bench in the park.
Suzie comes along chomping on her bubblegum.
Suzie asked, "You wanna play doctor?"
Johnny replied, "NO, that too old fashioned.
Spit out you gum, I wanna play president."

1st joke!

Fri, 04 Mar 2005 13:14:00 +0000

One Fall day, Bill was out raking leaves when he noticed a hearse
slowly drive by. Following the first hearse, was a second hearse which
was followed by a man walking solemnly along, followed by a dog, and
then about 200 men walking in single file.

Intrigued, Bill went up to the man following the second hearse and
asked him who was in the first hearse.

"My wife," the man replied.

"I'm sorry," said Bill. "What happened to her?"

"My dog bit her and she died."

Bill then asked the man who was in the second hearse.

The man replied, "My mother-in-law. My dog bit her and she died as
well."

Bill thought about this for a while. He finally asked the man, "Can I
borrow your dog?"

To which the man replied, "Get in line."